Gender Stereotypes and the Case of the Really Cool Tool Kit

So yesterday, my daughter and I hit Target, as we often do on my days off. We were in search for the perfect birthday gift for her cousin, a toddler boy.

“So what would he like?” I asked as we rolled through the aisles.

“Tools,” she replied matter-of-factly. As if to say, ‘like, duh, Mom. Everyone knows he likes tools.’

Exhibit 1

I was relieved to find, without much searching, a really cool tool kit in the toy department (see Exhibit 1, at right). Such a good price, I thought of perhaps getting one for her too.

“No, Mama,” she said. “That’s a boy’s toy.”

Oh, no! Did she really just say that?!? I was floored. My husband and I have never distinguished between boys and girls toys. We’ve always approached toys as being just that: toys. Gender-neutral. Pink and blue for everyone. Cars for girls, dolls for boys. It didn’t matter and it shouldn’t.

“What do you mean a boy’s toy?” I hurriedly asked.

“It’s for boys,” she said. Once again, Mom—duh!

We placed one of the kits in the cart—only one—and finished our shopping.

It was later in the day, when I realized who might have been the source of the toy-gender labeling: her mostly-male cousins, who are not much older than my preschooler. Through no fault of their own, they might have planted it in her head that certain toys are for boys, others are for girls. I thought it was time for a discussion.

“You can play with tools too, if you want to,” I said. “You can play with dolls, or cars, or be a princess or a dragon. It’s up to you. You can be or do anything you want.”

She smiled. She seemed very relieved. “I can play with tools?” she asked, just to be certain.

“Yes, you most certainly can,” I said. Then, I reiterated, “You can do anything you want.”

“I can do anything I want,” she repeated, contentedly.

I didn’t realize that I would need to have discussions like this so soon, but I do. We all do, I think. Whatever opinions about what girls “should” do and boys “should” do trickle down from parents and perceptions floating around in the media. This all affect skids while they’re young—very young. I have discussions with other mothers all the time about how boys are told to stay away from pink, from dolls, from “girl toys,” and girls are told to do the same. Some if it might come naturally or instinctively—boys might typically gravitate toward certain toys and girls others. But I know my daughter wanted those tools; I could see it in her eyes. It was someone else’s labeling system that was stopping her.

Later, my husband called and I told him about our gift purchase.

“He already has a tool kit—two of them actually, from both sets of grandparents,” he said. Of course he does, everyone knows he loves tools. Once again, duh Mom! “I guess we’ll just have to take it back and get him something else.”

Then it hit me.

“We’ll get him something else,” I said. “But I have another idea for the tool kit.”

So I stuck it in my closet to save for someone else’s birthday. I can’t wait to give it to her. I know that she’ll just love it.