It seems that nearly every week lately we hear some sort of tragic news: whether it’s a far-away earthquake or terrorist attack, or a friend or family member falling ill, bad news is difficult to digest. But what about our children? As parents, how are we supposed to help our kids cope with tragedy?
I am certainly no expert on the subject, so I turned to one. Kathy Arneson, LCSW, is a trusted licensed clinical social worker who practices in Chicago and the surrounding suburbs. She has dedicated her career to providing therapy for children and families dealing with a variety of complex issues. Kathy graciously weighed in on the topic and provided me with some much-needed guidance and direction.
Q: What are some ways to start a conversation with your child about a tragic event?
A: It is best to approach your child with a general statement such as, “Your grandma is feeling ill today” and see where he/she goes with it. You will be surprised at the response. Children have an amazing ability to soak in conversations and information and typically know more than you think. I did not tell my 4-year-old daughter about the earthquake in Haiti, but she asked me, “Did you hear about the earthquake in Haiti?” If you allow your child to lead the discussion, you will gain a better understanding of what he/she knows and if there are any fears or worries.
Q: How much information should you share with a child? Is there such a thing as too much information?
A: There is definitely such a thing as too much information! Once you have established what they already know it’s usually a matter of filling in gaps in their information so they can better understand it. How old they are and how much the tragedy personally affects them are the two factors to keep in mind when it comes to how much information to give. Keep in mind that younger children can not yet think abstractly and will need very simple, concrete explanations. Additionally, younger children may engage in magical thinking or believe that something they did caused the tragedy (i.e. “I said something mean to mommy which made her sick”). Always emphasize that nothing they did or wished caused the tragedy.
Q: Once a discussion is had, should a parent follow up at a different time or wait for the child to do so?
A: If this is a personal tragedy, having follow up conversations are most likely necessary. However, once you have the initial discussion, your child may initiate conversations on their own because they realize it is not a taboo subject. Remember, you know your child best. Watch for signals that he/she wants to talk about this again—Does he/she worry a lot? Does he/she seem to be distracted with his/her own thoughts or did he/she seem satisfied with the discussion you had?
Q: What are some things a parent can suggest to kids to help them cope?
A: Any sort of creative project (drawing, writing a story) is helpful in allowing a child to express feelings. In the case of a loss of a loved one, I always think that having a memory box or book where they can keep a few pictures or mementos of the loved one is helpful. This way they can look at the book whenever they want. In the case of a natural disaster like Haiti, involving children with fundraising projects or even having them donate their old clothes or toys is a great idea. Their involvement helps them to be more outward-focused and can help them feel as if they are contributing to the solution (which they are).
